Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Structure, Part 2...

I'm finding it a bit difficult to get my days and nights turned back around! Here I sit again, too late in the evening, knowing that I need to be getting off to dreamland...and needing to get one more thing done. I've been here before -- as in pretty much every day since my daughter got out of school! And every night (early morning) when I crawl into bed, I do the math in my mind -- how early do I want to get to the rec center, so what time do I need to get up, so how much (little) sleep will I get...and I resolve that TOMORROW WILL BE DIFFERENT!!

When, exactly, is "tomorrow"? It's apparently, in my world, not the day after this one! And I know this because I keep doing mostly the same thing today that I did yesterday, and if today was yesterday's tomorrow, then I didn't do the things tomorrow that I said today that I would do tomorrow!! Did you get all that?!

Every once in a while I wonder if I shouldn't just give in and be a nocturnal creature. I've heard that some people seem to be wired for night work. But then I read an article about sleep that stated that NOBODY is naturally "wired" for night shifts, just as NOBODY is naturally able to function optimally on less than 7 hours of sleep every night. That's my other wish -- that I was one of those people who just didn't need to sleep! So far, that one hasn't come to reality. Bummer.

I'm beginning to wonder if this is going to be the story of my summer -- intending to do something different than I did. Doesn't sound like a very empowering way to spend a summer!! It sounds an awful lot like I'd be spending a lot of time beating myself up. To which I say -- WHAT?!?! Why would I do that? I've done enough of that throughout my life! I'm over being beaten up by myself!!

Somewhere there is balance, there is the structure I desire. And I suppose that once I desire it enough to actually DO something about it, then change will occur. I need to DESIRE structure to the point where I'm driven to create it NO MATTER WHAT!!

Will that happen? WHEN will that happen?! I dunno...stand by!

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